I’ve been more than a bit busy over here lately, or at the very least distracted with various things. I am gearing up to go on a month-long trip to Germany to visit my lifeparter, and to scope out the area I will eventually be moving to–unless of course the U.S. manages to change its policy on immigration and same-sex relationships, but I don’t think that will happen anytime soon. I will elaborate more on that in a little bit, because that is an important topic to me.
Another reason why this trip will be deeply meaningful to me is because Germany is an ancestral place, and I’ll be visiting the hometown of my ancestors on my mother’s side of the family: Wolfhagen. The name of the town itself is rather ironic considering certain other things about myself, which I will get into detail about in a later post. Unfortunately my grandfather had passed on a few years ago at 92, but I will be bringing back from Wolfhagen some stones from the area (providing I can get them past customs in a kosher manner), one of which I plan on placing on his grave and/or his memory box (which I treat as a sort of ancestral altar). I would like to be able to wear his WWII dogtags I had inherited from him to the place as well, if I decide to risk taking them. This got me thinking about the sacredness of ancestral places to various peoples. I would like to look up some information on that from a cultural perspective, if possible.
Now, about immigration and the US. I am a transgendered (non-op female-to-male) pansexual male residing in the US. My partner is also a transgendered gay male, who lives in Germany. Due to US policy on gender and immigration, we will be unable to live together in the US, leaving me to eventually go into exile in order for us to stay together and legally marry. Many others suffer from the same predicaments, which is why there are groups such as ImmigrationEquality who are fighting for our rights. In the meantime, I do have the option of legally marrying my partner in Germany, but other people aren’t as lucky. This is why I strongly advocate supporting ImmigrationEquality, and groups like it. Denying people’s rights to love and live with other people on the basis of gender and religious opinion is nothing short of tragic and detestable.
In any case, despite being rather busy with work, trip planning and other things, I still manage to take time out for my daily morning meditation before work, and my afternoon/evening meditation at night before bed. I also just finished up Patrick Dunn’s Postmodern Magic, overall a good read. It’s helped me solidify more of my scattered thoughts on magic and occult practice, some of which I hope to get down here in the next weeks before flying out. Guess we’ll see.
This is partially a continuation of the stuff I wrote in this particular section about the Dimension Bomb, and what it means to me. Lately I’ve reread some of Fred Alan Wolf‘s stuff, specifically Mind Into Matter: A New Alchemy of Science and Spirit, where this particular quote jumped out at me:
At some point in our lives, somehow, somewhere, just for an instant, the unveiling of the great mystery comes to pass. God, the magician, raises the curtain, reveals the trick just slightly, and we glimpse the illusion. But we don’t shout, Wow! No gasps of wonderment fill the theater. Something becomes distinguishable from nothing in a single creative act, but we trick ourselves into not seeing. And so it goes. No applause fills the air. We sit back, watch the show, breathe a sigh of relief, and say unconsciously, “We’ll never figure this one out, might as well just accept it.
This is a reaction commonly expressed by…all of us to a degree, really. Sometimes we’re hesitant even to understand it, like we’re biting off more than we can chew. Perhaps the only time we actually face it is when we know our lives are beginning to come to a close, and the existential terror creeps silently in. Wolf goes on to say:
We watch the boundary between ocean and land, between air, earth, and water. We watch the effervescent crust of sand, water, and air and remember the distinctions. And likewise, we live our lives in the comfortable notion that an invisible membrane separates us from that world “out there”; that “in here,” in our minds, our inner worlds of imagination, we are safe and alone. In no way can any person or thing intrude into our individual mind worlds. Every sense in our bodies continually tells us that this is true, that we are each alone. We ignore any information, any thought, any perception, any imaginative tale, anyone else’s story that confronts our sensory presentation of the separated “out there” and “in here” worlds. We look skeptical at people who tell us a different story, probably dismissing them as misguided fools, or even lunatics.
People fear what they don’t understand, its a common trait in most species, at least in most mammals. Boundaries are comfort zones–I should know, as I am admittedly a creature of comfort. This is why something on the level of a “Dimension Bomb”–a sudden and violent awakening–is needed. Like Shin (and in a fucked up sort of way, as Shin) I travel through my inner world, and in blasting through to the other side I am hit with sudden and terrifying realizations, the effects of which I may spend my entire life trying to understand, and longer even to be able to put to words. The Dimension Bomb is an awakening, a vehicle of change and transformation. Although I myself am no stranger to alchemical awakenings, each one is of a different flavor than the last, a different force, something which challenges my boundaries and my comfort, forever recalibrating my view of the world around me. As I travel on through my inner world to the other side of reality as I know it, I realize that I can never look back. The momentum from the blast drives me straight forward, and like it or not I’m in for keeps. We all are, when this sort of thing comes up, swiftly and suddenly, with the force of a bomb.
Ever since I was little I’ve always been fascinated with the natural world, among other worlds. This guy was chilling outside my place of employment early one morning, so I whipped my phone out and grabbed a few pictures. Given the nature of my job (which I intend not to disclose here), I was forced to move it to the safety of a nearby tree. In the picture its wings were spread out–I had touched it lightly on the back, and the wings opened with an audible snap, probably as a way to try and scare me off by looking all big and intimidating. I very gingerly scooped him into my hands and laid him up into the tree. This is actually the first time I had ever seen a luna moth up close–or rather, one that wasn’t dead and pinned to a display board behind glass, so to me this was a very exciting experience.
Speaking of the natural world, just now a big storm passed overhead. I must have spent roughly two hours watching the amazing light show, and the feeling of the thunder rumbling through my chest was an amazing and energizing experience. Now everything is quiet outside, except for the occasional crackling outside which at first sounds like firecrackers going off, but in retrospect it could also be one of the old neighborhood loblollies dying a violent death. We’ve had a rash of serious storms in the area lately, including tornadoes (a bit unusual for this region), which have taken out quite a few trees in the area. I keep expecting one day to find one of those old trees laying through the roof of the house.
Well, to bed I go. My head is feeling strange, and the weather could be playing a large part in that. Maybe I’ll have more to write tomorrow.
I think that the one major problem I have when it comes to my networking with others, and my writing is my lack of consistency. One moment I’ll be in active communication with a person on a daily basis, and the next moment I’ll drop off for a month or so with little to no notice. Usually I have a good excuse–things tend to get real busy offline, though to be honest I have tendencies towards being a loner and taking extended breaks away from people simply to defrag and recalibrate myself (social scenes, regardless of where they are, tend to wear me out rather quickly. Similar situation when it comes to my more formal writing (blogging doesn’t really count in my book). One moment I’ll be completely consistent in my writing and the next it’ll dry up completely, either through writer’s block, stress or distraction. This makes writing projects and meeting deadlines a bit complicated. To be honest, I’m not sure who would want to network with me given this lack of consistency, something I find a bit depressing and frustrating at points.
I’ll be the first one to admit–I don’t think I handle stress very well sometimes, though on the other hand I’ve been told that I do handle or take on a fair amount of it to begin with. I’m never really sure which one to trust though. I also tend to get distracted–not that I lose interest in a thing, but sometimes I do spread myself alittle too widely. I wonder if that’s the reason why I could never be any sort of fandom-related person, I just have too many interests to focus solely on one. And when writing about something that is, at least for me, a way of life, some things I just don’t think about writing, because to me it seems so common sense and, well, commonplace. D’oh. Not that it wouldn’t be for other writers either, but there are so many things that I do, sitting down to focus on just what to write about becomes a chore.
I’m bringing this up here mainly in an attempt to flesh out my thoughts and devise better methods to remedy this while still maintaining my sanity and sense of personal boundaries (which, to me, are more than just physical). I really want to become more active in the occult information exchange as it where, I just need to come up with a plan of action to keep myself focused.
Doing some minor tweaking and organizing here and there. The thing I like about the WordPress format is it’s far more versatile than other blogging formats I’ve worked with. I can personalize it more, and I have more control over various functions. It also seems to be a bit quieter and more laid-back than the LJ-format, something I can appreciate, especially now that things have gotten a bit busier over here. Anyway, today I’ve set up a couple pages, mainly a page about this journal and a lame attempt at an About Me page. I may add more, we’ll see. I also tweaked the links list/blogroll and such, and may add extra categories as I need them.
Lately I’ve been doing some light reading, and I just picked up The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Alchemy by Dennis William Hauck, mostly just some quick refresher reading. I own his other two books, Sorcerer’s Stone and The Emerald Tablet, both fairly good reads for anyone wishing to pop their cherries on the topic of alchemy. I plan on passing this particular one off to my lifepartner who lives in Germany, once I’m finished reading it (as I originally bought it for him anyway).
There will be more stuff here as time goes on, as I continue reading, researching, growing and experimenting with various things. I’ll also be doing some activist posting here too, as there are some topics that are very close to me right now that needs addressing, and will probably reach a larger readership than my private LJ anyway.
So here it is. My funny little idea of getting some of my other thoughts out there. I have a private journal on LJ, and then there is Cynanthropy.com for my otherkin and therianthopic writings, but what I’m looking for here on WordPress is someplace where I can get my thoughts down on other topics, mainly the occult, alchemy and related, but other miscellaneous crap too maybe. I used to keep an older blog on here by the name of “HermeticDog”…its a name I still use, but the blog itself hasn’t been updated in ages, and I think its time for me to start over with a clean slate anyway (that and I kind of lost my password for the other account..uhm, whoops). I have too many thoughts and interests, not all I can fit in one place. Expect to see book reviews, thoughts, rants and other weird notes and thought processes.
The title of this blog, “Dimension Bomb”, is a loaded one, one I will more than likely get into later at some point, but it most definitely describes my experiences with the occult, and various mindfuckery therein. I’ll leave that as a post for another time though.